Kitson's Email #11 (Series 2:3)
A Guided Meditation by Someone Who Denies All the Allegations Against Him
A Guided Meditation by Someone Who Denies All the Allegations Against Him
(Transcript from Grant Doe’s Youtube Channel 23/1/24)
If this is your first time here, welcome.
I’m Grant, I post guided meditation and yoga videos here three times a week. I’d love for you to join our community of over a million people who use this channel to find their inner peace.
Before we start today’s Monday mediation… I’d like to start this video a bit differently.
Some of you may know, allegations about me and my private life have been circulating. Some of which these made their way into the media over the weekend. I’d like to take this opportunity to say that those stories are totally false and I absolutely deny the claims being made against me, I am pursuing the relevant legal avenues and I totally deny any affiliation with the other names implicated in the investigation.
I apologise for having to start like that, I think I need this relaxation more than ever!
Don’t forget to like and subscribe!
… Let’s begin.
Find a quiet and comfortable place to sit or lie down…
… then close your eyes gently…
… and take a deep breath in, feeling your chest expand, and exhale slowly…
… in and out…
… in through your nose for 2 seconds, hold for four seconds…
…and then exhale for 6….
Now, let's focus on releasing tension from your body. Take anything that might be troubling you. It might be work…
… family…
… money…
……
… Lying bitches who can’t keep their mouths shut… Whatever
… it might be in your life…
Picture them for a moment, and then imagine a warm, soothing light slowly moving over your toes, relaxing them completely, taking away that tension…
… Until it’s totally forgotten…
… Feel the tension melt away as the light moves up to your ankles, and calves…
…. like you’ve just been forgiven…
… you are a good person…
… your stress does not define you…
… nor do your actions…
… you are a different person now…
… Now, bring your awareness to your lower back…
… it’s tight probably, maybe from carrying an entire self-made business on it…
… People might have different methods for how to release that stress….
… It will be different for different people,..
… It might be… nontraditional…
… and we shouldn’t judge someone for that…
… Just because it’s different….
…. But for now imagine the soothing light gently massaging and relaxing those muscles…
… Continue to let the warm light move up through your spine, one vertebra at a time. Feel your shoulders relax. All of your problems with anyone else’s behaviour feel very small now…
… alleged behaviour….
… Allow your arms, from the shoulders to the fingertips, to become heavy and completely at ease in the light. You don’t feel the need to speak out at all…
… The light isn’t a person - by the way…
… I feel like I should say that…
…. but if they were it would be 100% above board…
… And not weird or freaky…
… Feel the muscles around your eyes and forehead soften and your mind to open…
… let any uptightness to seep out…
… You realise that you are laying on the beach…
… Feel the warmth of the sun kissing your skin.
Consensually!
Obviously.
… You let it happ-
Not let it happen…
… You… enthusiastically allow the sun to touch your skin…
… While a gentle breeze tousles your hair
With your express permission….
….
(Off camera noises)
Wait a sec sorry what’s this?
Who are you?
Who let you on my property?
You have an envelope for me?
[OFF CAMERA]
(Opening envelope noises)
What are these?
Court summons?
Can’t we do this later?
I’m filming a guided relax-
- Okay I understan-
I can come with you after? So if you could wait outside the-
I’m not going to run any-
Fine you can stay here.
[ON CAMERA]
Sorry about that. Back to the-
[OFF CAMERA] OFFICER TRENT:
Do you have any spare mats? I’ve got a dodgy back.
…….
GRANT:
They’re in the corner
[OFF CAMERA] OFFICER TRENT:
Cheers
GRANT:
Sorry about that. Remember we’re on our beautiful beach…
… you realise that you are on a beautiful, faraway island...
… That isn’t owned by anyone sinister…
…
… Not that you’d have any idea if it was…
… But at this moment you’re a million miles away from worries like those…
… You’re walking along the beach…
… And each step brings a sense of relaxation and tranquility, grounding you in this moment of serenity…
… Listen to the sounds of nature around you—the chirping of birds, the rustling of leaves, and the distant laughter of friends…
… You have no knowledge of what they’re doing...
… and you’re happy to say that on the record…
… They’re not even your friends you just kind of know them…
…you’re not even sure why you were invited to the island if you’re honest…
… See the swaying palm trees offering shade, their leaves rustling in the breeze…
[OFF CAMERA] SIRENS
… You don’t feel the need to do anything other than just exist…
… Just be in the moment…
… Not having to do chores…
… Or errands…
… Or your job if you work in law enforcement…
… When you're ready, wiggle your fingers and toes and gradually open your eyes…
… Carry the sense of peace and relaxation from this island with you, knowing that you can revisit whenever you need a moment of tranquility…
Slowly bring your awareness back to the present moment. You can stay for a little longer If you want to avoid the present moment for a little longer.
I know I would.
Cheers
Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed it and are liking the series so far. Also, shout out to people who got in touch to say how much they enjoyed it after last week’s (arguably slightly beggy) email, feedback always appreciated. Slightly shorter story this week as the one scheduled needed more work to it than i thought (it’s going to be a bit longer than normal.) As ever, I’d super appreciate it if you wanted to tell others about this newsletter by sharing it on social media or telling friends in person (which I think is coolest). Subscribe if you haven’t already too. It’s free! (if you click past the right buttons etc.)
Career update/small request/some dates for people in (largely) the SW
I started this mailing list originally (pre Substack) with the intention of plugging my stand-up/keeping people up to date with all things #brandkitson. Basically, I haven’t updated you on anything yet this serties because I’m in a slightly odd crossroads with quite a few things that aren;t confirmed yet. Namely: stand-up and my book. All of which I’m waiting for something to happen (or, most likely, not happen) in order for me to work out what to do next. The others will probably depend on the Edinburgh festival. But I don’t have a venue confirmed yet, accommodation, an agent or a production company (if I can afford one) so nothing much to report at the moment. All of that to say, if you could help with any of this in any way i’d be super appreciative - but what I’d love to know if if anyone has a lead or a contact for a place to stay in Edinburgh in August?
Coldest take of all time:
Edinburgh is a very expensive place to stay at in August
If you know someone who is, for example, a student at the University of Edinburgh who fancied subletting their room/flat for a month I would love to also know that person. Would love to lock something down! Meanwhile, I’ll probably do a big email about previews for my show at the end of the current series, but for the moment here’s where I’m going. There will be more that just aren’t locked in yet- Exeter, Tiverton, Falmouth and more London and Bristol ones for sure. I’ll come anywhere there’s a crowd so if you’d like me to come somewhere let me know! Again, if you’re the sort of person who books these things I would love to hear from you!
Previews so far 2024
Bristol (Oppo): 14th Feb 2024
London (Comedy Cabin): 2nd March 2024
Swindon: 6th March 2024
Reading (Reading Indie Comedy Festival): 18th May 2024
Cambridge: 26th May 2024
Hastings Comedy Festival: 13th June 2024
Plymouth: 17th July 2024
Newquay: 18th July 2024
Bodmin: 19th July 2024
Bristol (Smoke and Mirrors) 21st July 2024
Anyway, see you next week!