Dining across the divide: ‘Once I got used to the ooze excreting from his every pore it was just like gossiping with a friend.’
They disagreed on whether to commit planet-wide genocide, but what happened when a Starmer-sceptic and the Supreme Leader of the Bangorgs got their teeth into the education system?
Silvia, 32, St Lukes, Exeter
Occupation: Lettings Agent.
Voting record: Self-described centrist. She has voted Labour, Lib Dem and Conservative previously. Interested in voting for Keir Starmer but still thinks he needs to be a bit more charismatic to win her vote.
Amuse bouche Silvia is allergic to bananas- but didn’t find this out until she worked on a banana farm in her gap year.
Supreme Leader Malstrad, 361, Hothal (Planet Bangorg)
Occupation: Supreme Leader of the Bangorgs
Voting record: Hasn’t been in the UK long so ineligible to vote. Canvassed for the Reform Party at the last election.
Amuse bouche: Malstrad wants to eliminate life on Planet Earth.
For starters:
Silvia: I didn’t know what to expect as I’d never even met a Bangorg before. Let alone their leader. I was very nervous.
Malstrad: Silvia had a lovely smile. She was very friendly — I hadn’t experienced much of that since I arrived on Earth so it really put me at ease.
Silvia: We had a glass of wine and then talked about our jobs which was a good icebreaker. He seemed very interested about working in lettings and it was fascinating to have an inside perspective on the Bangorg invasion.
Malstrad: I consider being a letting agent a very noble profession. She asked a lot about the invasion so I had to be careful not to away too much.
Silvia: If I’m being honest it took me a while to look past his appearance. The tentacles and teeth that came out of his face made me queasy, and it took even longer to get used to the primordial ooze that he excretes from every pore. But after a bit of time to adapt it was just like gossiping with a friend.
The big beef:
Silvia: Our biggest difference was in how we view the world and how we want to change it. For me, it’s about balancing freedom, wanting a fairer society and being a bit pragmatic about what’s possible. He talked a lot about how he wanted to take over the world, massacre all the humans and make Planet Earth a Bangorg sewage treatment facility.
Malstrad: The way I see it. It’s impossible to come to a consensus on anything. Someone will always be unhappy. You need a system with competition. On this planet, you call it the marketplace of ideas. A shop that sells the best produce at reasonable prices will succeed and the one that is not as good will fail. May the best race win!
Silvia: I took his point. But I, as a new Mum, would like to see more spending for education, childcare and the environment because that actually aids the economy but he wouldn’t hear it. We are on very different points of the political spectrum.
Malstrad: We disagreed on whether the government should spend more on education. She thought it should and I said that I thought that children were tasty. Humans shouldn’t waste their precious resources and time on raising children when we are just planning to farm them for their meat.
Sharing plate:
Malstrad: We both agreed that there needed to be major changes in how things were run.
Silvia: I agreed with him about how leadership on this planet left a lot to be desired.
Malstrad: She tried to get me to run in the next general election. I don’t have elections on my planet so they still seem a little odd to me.
Silvia: He should be allowed to run I think, no-one shouldn’t be allowed to participate in the democratic process and I think it would be good for democracy to broaden the debate. Listen to voices beyond the major parties. He seemed cynical initially.
Malstrad: I said I would think about it. I don’t know why people bother with elections really. Surely it’s much easier just to take over by force?
For afters:
Malstrad: Everyone lives in echo chambers now, and doesn’t want to listen to a view that differs from their own. The algorithms are making it worse. It is the same on my own planet. They serve up the stuff they know you like because they need to show you advertising.
Silvia: We talked for a long time about social media’s effect on politics on Earth. People do definitely get very narrow-minded about their views. They never consider the other side’s perspective. I find out a lot of things from social media but I don’t form a definitive opinion about something until I’ve read a balanced explainer from the BBC news website and listened to Alastair Campbell’s podcast.
Takeaways:
Malstrad: Even when we disagreed, it was very comfortable. We laughed through a lot of things.
Silvia: It can’t be easy emigrating to a new planet like he has. Especially when there’s such a cultural difference.
Malstrad: It was definitely interesting learning more about the human experience.
Silvia: I don’t think I’ll vote for him in the election if he does run, even if the human race survives, but I wish him the best of luck. He’s a good guy who wants the best for his family. I am pleased to get an insight into the invasion though.
Malstrad: I enjoyed Silvia’s company but I doubt we’ll keep in touch. She is busy at work and I have to continue organising the total destruction of her race and planet. I would like to say I’ll kill her last - but in all honesty, she’ll probably be one of the first to go. She knows too much.
Silvia and Malstrad ate at Harry’s in Exeter, harrysrestaurants.co.uk
Fancy dining across the divide? Find out how to take part
© Native Malstradian History Museum Archive.
(An entry of ‘Dining Across the Divide: Can breaking bread together help bridge political differences?’ shortly after the invasion. From “The Guardian” 13.12.23)
Cheers
Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed this one - it’s a little bit shorter than the other stories in series 1 but I think it’s my fave. I’d super appreciate it if you wanted to tell people about this newsletter in any way, by sharing it on social media or telling friends in person (which I think would be coolest). Subscribe if you haven’t already too. Incredibly some people have paid to subscribe to this already. I really can’t in all good faith recommend going that far - but any level of support goes a long way! I’ve got no idea how you market a newsletter if I’m honest.
This Week:
Thanks so much to everyone who came to the shows in Bristol. They were loads of fun and thanks for all your lovely comments and feedback. The ball is rolling! I’m doing another preview in Exeter (like from the story!) on Tuesday at Little Drop of Poison for Locally Sourced. The big one, ‘Fired Up! Ready to Go!’ is at Angel Comedy Club at the Bill Murray this Thursday. Come along! Ticket sales are looking okay - and you can get yours here!